SPOTS - The Panto People!



Scripts for our shows are written by the Cramps. Here's a sketch from the O date party. It's all about the privatisation of NATS.
Lights come up to reveal the Pilot and Co-pilot in the cockpit. They are both rather 'What-oh!' chappies. Pilot Thank you, Rheims Air Traffic Control, I'll now contact London on One Too Tree Decimal Four Fife. It's been a pleasure flying through your airspace. Good night. French Yes. Whatever. Go away you silly British Airways English person. Pilot And up yours too, frog face! I say! The French controllers are so bloody bolshy! Co-Pilot Don't let him get to you, Peter. He's probably just looking forward to his next strike. They haven't had one for a few weeks. Pilot That's not the point, Cyril! You wouldn't get the good old Brit controllers talking to you like that. Those people down at NATS plc know exactly how to treat their customers. Co-Pilot That's true. Best in the world, NATS plc, especially now they've been privatised. Pilot Oh yes, privatisation - best thing they ever did. Made them very efficient. Co-Pilot Very efficient indeed. It's the British Airways influence, you see. British Airways is clear and to the point with no messing about. You'd better give NATS a call, actually. The English channel is just off to our left. Pilot Right. Co-Pilot Left...! Pilot Roger. Co-Pilot Cyril…! Pilot This is British Airways 579 contacting NATS plc on One Too Tree Decimal Four Fife requesting descent for approach to Gatwick. Pilots look at each other with a knowing, confident nod. There is ringing tone for a few seconds. NATS Thank you for calling NATS plc. I'm sorry, but all our controllers are busy at the moment and your call has been placed in a queue.


Pilot &Co-Pilot What??? NATS You are currently number ..17.. in the queue. Pilot &Co-Pilot 17!? NATS Please hold the line, as your call is very important to us. Suitable music plays. Pilot I thought you said they were very efficient now!? Co-Pilot Well… they're saving loads of money.

Pilot I don't care about money. I just want to land this baby. NATS You are currently number ..11.. in the queue. Pilot 11? For goodness' sake! NATS While you are waiting have you considered the other services now available from NATS plc? If you are interested in personal loans or a great deal on double glazing then please mention it to your Air Traffic Controller. Co-Pilot The missus has been on at me for ages to get a new conservatory. Do you think they'll do a good deal. Pilot They'll probably do a good deal, alright, but it'll be six years late and full of holes. NATS To ensure you speak to the right controller for you, please select one of the following options. If you are over flying the United Kingdom Press ONE on your keypad. If you wish to land at one of our airports - sponsored by BAA plc - press TWO. Pilot Of course I want to land darling! This tin box 'aint going to stay at 30,000 feet for ever! Key tone as Pilot presses number '2'. Co-Pilot I'm sure it's just bit of a glitch down at Swanwick. They're all pretty green down there. It'll be fine now, you mark my words. NATS You have chosen the option to ..land the aircraft. (pause) Press ONE if this is a scheduled landing. Press TWO if you have an emergency on board. Co-Pilot Better press ONE for a normal landing… Pilot NORMAL LANDING!? Hogwash! I'll tell them we have an emergency and they'll get us down quicker. I know how to handle these ATC johnnies! Key tone as pilot presses number '2' again. NATS You have chosen the option to ..get down quick before gravity takes over. Press ONE if, in the event of an accident, your passengers are likely to sue the arse off NATS plc. Press TWO if you couldn't give a sh… Pilot Oh I've had enough of this nonsense! I'm calling the military - they'll sort these civvy buggers out! Messes with radio Co-Pilot Look, I'll do it. You're too wound up. Ahem. This is British Airways 579 contacting Military Air Traffic Control. We have an emergency on board and need to land immediately! MIL (pause) Thank you for calling Military Air Traffic Control. I'm sorry but we're only open for business between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. If you are a foreigner wishing to wage war on the United Kingdom then please try going to France... Pilot &Co-Pilot Aaaaarrrggghhh….!